Slipping

May 19, 2024, 05:18 PM

First faded post in a very long time. It’s not weed but it’s what I warned to stay away from last post, Cocaine.

The first three months of this year I felt unstoppable and ever since winter has started creeping in and the sun isn’t there in the mornings it has thrown off my morning routine.

I have a freelance project I am working on that I have underpriced and overscoped that is becoming more and more overbearing as the days go on. By slipping on the morning runs it has broken my system of work. These bad starts to the day compounded by the seemingly never ending work, on top of my day job, is causing me to spiral into a bad place again.

Hence the Cocaine usage. It has always been around me but earlier in the year I was not even slightly interested. The last week I have had a couple lines every day with a coffee, pretending that it would help me get through work, which it does not. It’s a horrific drug. Maybe if you want to party it might be nice but I’m not one to party, I like to produce and all it does is make you impatient, distracted and unsatisfied. The Friday just gone I was on it for the entire day and even ended up breaking my 200 day non-drinking streak so that I could take the edge off and get to sleep.

So upset with myself but I must be strong and break out of this. I have to come to terms with two important things:

1. It’s dark and cold(ish) in the mornings, but I have to stick to the system. It was the only thing working for me getting those hours in every morning.
2. Yes, I did a bad job at scoping the work I have to do but it has to be done.

I heard a great quote the other day that systems help you get hard things done. At the start you are full of energy and enthusiam but that wears of and when it does there should be a system in place to help get the rest done. I had that but let it slip and it’s really impacted me.

I want to start writing here daily again. Hopefully see you tomorrow.