Out of Control
As expected things are getting worse. Tonight I have had 2 beers, 2 glasses of red, 1 shot of Pálinka and about 10 lines of Coke. I’m in a total downward spiral.
I’ve completely fallen off the rails again, just not smoking weed but I might as well.
Every night I grind the coffee beans for the morning and set the alarm as if I’m going to wake up but just dismiss the alarm and sleep in. Only three months ago I used to say that if I get up and have my first coffee sitting on the couch watching the morning show on TV then I’m in a bad place. Well, that’s what I’m doing every morning now.
Taking a look back on earlier posts, almost at this same time of year 12 months ago. I seem to be in the same spot. I genuinely feel an association with the seasons. Spring and summer gives me hope and vitality. The new year fills me with inspiration and then I get three to four months of momentum until the sun starts setting. Now winter is well and truly upon us I feel like just retreating into my old ways.
There was a moment where I stopped for a second with the joint in my hand, had a little quiet chat to myself about self-control and it meant fucking nothing. It’s as if there is another side of my which says something like “Who gives a fuck, it’s just another joint. Stopping won’t change anything. You might as well get rid of this stuff”.
It’s like all the stuff I say in this site so far is just all bullshit. I can say whatever I want to make myself feel like I’m going to act a different way but when it comes down it, I fold like a pack of cards.
Swap ‘joint’ for ‘line’ in these quotes and you have my current situation.
I have a rolling number on the fridge of number magnents for days without weed. It’s at 231. I feel like I have to start again with what got me out of this hole in the first place and bringin back the streaking board.
I’m so sad.
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