The first (documented) failure
I have had to add timestamps to accomodate posts like this one, where I wasn’t intending to post again today. Only 7 hours after my heartfelt post this morning and as soon as I’m left to myself… I let everyone down.
I wasn’t sure if I should write this as I felt like I’ve fucked this whole project right before it even really started, but I think it’s important I document how I feel right now for the next time I inevitably fight this battle.
During today I have been unable to do anything productive, a lot of aimless scrolling on Youtube and clicking around my browser tabs as if I’m about to start something but never get going. I was left alone in the house (which is trigger #1 for a smoke) just after lunch and after a couple of times picking the joint up and putting it back down, I opened the fridge and shoved 5-6 weed gummies in my mouth. Then, I convince myself that since I’ve already blown it I might as well get the show on the road and have a smoke…
Instantly a feeling of sadness sweeps over my body as I realize I have let this project, myself and my family down. It’s important I remember this feeling. It’s either feel like this or feel a little agitated, I know for a fact this one is worse. The only plus side I can say I have right now is a little boost to focus, but this will come in time when my brain rewires itself to not count on weed for dopamine hits.
All I can do now is show up tomorrow and reflect upon this from Seneca.
A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without trials.
See you then.